Mutants vs. Sentinels = Peter Dinklage Getting Laid.

Days of Future Past. Otherwise known to regular English speakers as "yesterday". Although in hindsight, that movie sounds like a gushy teen drama involving an awkward one nighter. Nevertheless, the brand new 
X-men movie was always going to be a box office big hitter what with the countless trailers featuring both the cast from First Class and the original trilogy directed by Bryan Singer. I'm talking X-Men & X2. Not the 3rd instalment where Famke Janssen had a mental and the story had the consistency of a runny fox poo.

As soon as the teaser trailer for X-Men: Days of Future Past was released, I knew I was gonna like it. Superheroes. Time-travel. Captain Picard. These are my favourite things. What I was unaware of was the plots direct association with 1981's The Uncanny X-Men comic book, with the exception of a few minor details so that Marvel Studios could cram Hugh Jackman in some more to justify their margins. 

I'm going to stop being a sourpuss there though because

what I have to say about the movie is very, very positive. Set in the near future, mutants are being eradicated by the Sentinels; artificially intelligent fighting machines a la terminators who's only purpose is to dispose of superior beings to humans. Even with some of the most extravagant powers held by mutants, these robots are otherwise unstoppable what with their stupid melty fire faces. 

Sir Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart reclaim the original roles of Magneto and Dr. X and held up somewhere along the Great Wall of China, devise a way for Ellen Page's character, Kitty Pryde, to send one mutant back in time to stop the Sentinels from ever being developed by Bolivar Trask, played by Game of Thrones star Peter Dinklage. Long story short, it has to be Wolverine because of his rejuvenating abilities for some far-fetched reason about his brain being torn apart by the time-travel yet it can repair at a faster rate. That bit only last a few seconds, just roll with it. 

Anyway, he must travel back to 1973 where the whole Sentinel business started after Mystique (played by the bloody splendid to look at, Jennifer Lawrence) made a boo-boo involving a dwarf, some government officials and a roundhouse kick. He must also convince the younger Dr. X to stop using Beast (played by Nicholas Hoult) as his live at home drug dealer. Thus, Wolverine has to convince James McAvoy, Fassbender and Co. from the past to work as one to stop the military ever putting the sentinel program into action and wiping out the mutants! And, breaaaaaaathe....... *sigh

I'm a Marvel fan, yes, but by no means am I an expert. There are thousands of people the world over who read every comic book and are savvy with each of the given story arcs, within each of the extraordinary universes. Yet, with my far from superior knowledge, I didn't feel too overwhelmed by it all at any point. It was good to see that Singer had followed on from First Class by choosing a time period in which he needn't depend on special effects. Its a superpower movie, but it didn't feel top heavy with CGI (did Spielberg need anything besides a talcum powder Arc of the Covenant spirit in Raiders, I don't think so!) which it so easily could've done (Transformers *cough) and that's a huge achievement in my book. 

I loved the array of new X-Men which made the cut such as the energy absorbing "Bishop" played by Omar Sy, Daniel Cudmore's metal-skinned "Colossus", Fan BingBing's portal boasting "Blink", and a very funny scene with Peter Evans as "Quicksilver". Look at him dash around that kitchen all stupid with his goggles and his fast speeds changing the flight path of bullets and crockery, and such! What a card. Every character is well thought out and its brilliant to watch the ways in which they work together to hinder the sentinels reaching Wolverine and the fogeys.

The story is also really well crafted. It might not be any BTTF Enchantment Under the Sea dance shenanigans but the introduction of new characters, the visible downfall of Magneto and the origins of the world's history told by the writers at Marvel is ridiculous...but a great bit of fun to watch unfold.

Hey Adam - were there any downsides to all these positive vibes though, man? Yes, there were the Californian man in my brain. 

There aren't many movies which should lean on reimagining a series AGAIN after doing such a good job to revamp it. Star Trek being the biggest triumph in recent times. First Class and Days of Future did this wonderfully too by introducing the origins elements to its movies. But, when I've got to sit through the rebirth of all the calamitous characters who we're collectively glad shuffled off this mortal coil already (Cyclops, you massive nonce); it felt like a step backwards to me. We've come all this way, why go back for seconds when all she's gonna do is taste of cigarettes and make you cry..? 

Days of Future Past was a brilliantly fun movie which I highly recommend seeing on the big screen, particularly if you like seeing most of your favourite actors performing magic tricks and watching Jennifer Lawrence remind us that blue can do wonders for the imagination. Oh, and don't forget to stick around for the finale post-credits to catch a certain someone get frisky with a triangle. I assure you, its not Jimmy White.

X-Men: Days of Future Past receives 4/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because Singer's throwing all kinds of quality shapes back at the helm (...it would've been a 5 if it weren't for James Marsden's cameo giving it a -1 like that annoying bonus card in Uno. I loathe you, Cyclops).

  
    

When Moths Get Horny, S*it Goes South.

This summer is set to be one, 

action-packed bastard. Fact. 

X-men: Days of Future Past; I'm in. Edge of Tomorrow; probably. Transformers 4... *Adam makes awkward unsure squeak which sounds like he's curling out a wet one. 

When a mate of mine suggested we hop on the disaster movie bandwagon early doors with one of the biggest nominations for this year's "most CGI used to give a film some narrative" award, I nodded so we did it. That movie's name was Godzilla. 

It quickly dawned on me when I began sharing my evenings plans with anyone who would listen that a lot of people have a real soft spot for "King of the Monsters" in one form or another. Friends and colleagues of mine had read comics, played video-games, watched the back catalogue of movies including the Matthew Broderick one which forced him to see out his career on Broadway. I had nothing. No expectations. No context or knowledge of Godzilla and it's history. Nada. Was this to my advantage though?

I saw the "extreme" version at the cinema which is coined as making the overall experience more immersive, but between you and I, the only fascinating thing about it was how any one could charge such an enormous ticket price for something without it being considered a crime. £15 in some places can get you a 30min back rub, happy ending and the change left over for a slush puppie.

For those who can't tell what the movies about from the poster, the life and times of a giant monster being. The story begins with a Japanese power planet experiencing tremors which only Bryan Cranston's character, Dr. Joe Brody, believes to be less quake, more unexplained snoring. He's right, but no one listens to him which ends in loss and an 18yr "meltdown". Get it? Because of the plant and...oh, f*ck off.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson (of Kick Ass and toyboy fame) plays his son, Ford, who upon returning from his surprisingly convenient service in the military's bomb disposal unit must travel to Japan to bail out his Dad. Ergo, this leads to a chance encounter with Ken Watanabe's character, Dr. Ishiro Serizawa, who has been using the plant's energy to breed a pair of horny giant moth-like organisms which go on to cause more trouble than the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. 

Cue Godzilla to fix things right on cue. Who's introduction surprised me because it turns out this isn't an origins story. As the credits begin, we've already established that this isn't the first time the big galoot has caused the Pacific problems. Godzilla has been absorbing energy from the earth's core all this time laying dormant waiting at the bottom of the ocean to fight the big moth things upon their awakening and I won't spoil anymore, but what ensues is 2hrs of huge explosions, amazing monster battles synonymous with the comics and movies of old which is really the best bit of the film. The human story involving Ford trying to save his wife and son stranded in monster-torn San Francisco felt like the moments in between rounds during a boxing match.

Godzilla looks epic with a fierceness in his eyes and a compendium of cracking wrestling moves he's obviously learnt from Monday Night Raw. Clotheslines, Suplexes, Sleeper Holds; the lizard's got game. And the blue flamey breath thing is unbelievable! What I wasn't expecting was the sensitive side of the monster particularly the longing gaze you'll be privy to between he and Taylor-Johnson mid-rumble. Arr, he has feelings! *sigh

So, was having no expectations a good thing? Well, fans first expressed their dissatisfaction when the monster's big reveal arrived early in the most recent trailer which diffused the suspense. I have to agree. But, from the reaction of people around me when the theatre lights went up, it didn't really matter. What people were expecting was a big lizard terrorising a city involving characters looking awe-struck by something so destructive that it would put an Adam Sandler performance to shame.

Godzilla is a fun, disaster movie which is certainly worth watching on the big screen. But for me, it just felt like a better version of Jurassic Park 2 which Jeff Goldblum originally claimed was less cool than his tinted glasses/ biker jacket combo. Alright, he didn't say that, but the fact I'm comparing Godzilla to a film of the same ilk from '97, speaks volumes. 

Godzilla (2014) receives 3/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because aside from its impressive scale and big action scenes in the film, it was ultimately a hot mess.

  

Oh, To Have A Chemistry Degree...

"F*ck. F*ckity f*ckity f*ck f*ck f*ck..." This potty-mouth party ensued when the foppish quiff of Hugh Grant rolled out of bed, late for the church ceremony at the beginning of Four Weddings and a Funeral. 
These very same expletives fell from my mouth each and every time the credits rolled across all 62 mesmerising episodes of arguably the greatest TV show in modern history. Breaking Bad is...well, what hasn't been said already? 

At first, it appeared to be a rather comical caper involving a man who in almost every image captured from Season 1 (see above), was standing by a Winnebago pointing a pistol dressed in work shoes and Y-fronts. People were baffled that Bryan Cranston, the "Dad from Malcolm in the Middle", could be anything but a pushover to his wife and their 3 oddly shaped children. I too made a quick association as I recognised Aaron Paul from 2002s Van Wilder: Party Liaison as the high-as-a-kite Californian kid who'd been copping off with multiple chicks in a broom cupboard.

I could spend hours attempting to weave an accurate interpretation of the 5 stellar seasons which have since made US television tyrannosaurus, AMC, the entertainment equivalent of slum dog millionaire Wayne Rooney; the risk that paid dividends. Not one network wanted the pilot season. Showtime, ABC, FOX; they all passed on it. And what fools they were. Breaking Bad has effectively changed the way in which we now watch television. A sweeping statement? I don't think so.

Social media has grown exponentially these last few years (you can find out just how much on the TV show I present, Planet of the Apps, which is a terribly obvious plug on my part but a justified one), as has the furtherance of TV on Demand. Netflix, LoveFilm, Amazon Prime to name but a few overtook the market behemoth Blockbuster which is now a smoking ghost ship left slowly plunging to the bottom of the Home Entertainment Ocean. Original television series such as House of Cards and Orange is the New Black are being effectively commissioned by streaming sites; something Sean Parker could have only dreamt of back in his parent's garage. 

Breaking Bad was a Netflix exclusive in the UK airing the final series of episodes which had premiered in the states, a matter of hours beforehand. And it was big. Crazy big. I for one fell victim to the pilgrimage which was quickly happening across the land to almost every TV owner - "Have you seen Breaking Bad? Yeah. Have you? No. WTF?! What's wrong with you!!?" This happened everywhere, even mothers in supermarkets began fighting in aisles whilst their children stripped off and wrestled in nappies wielding Oreo grenades. Probably.

Walter White and Jesse Pinkman are the 21st centuries most accurate representation of a generational bond a la Doc Brown and Marty McFly, except the Plutonium is Crystal Meth and the DeLorean is a caravan. It's a story of survival, whatever the cost. Walt is presented with a problem and he chooses to fight, instead of lying down and accepting his fate. That's the best thing about the show, you root for all the bad people because fundamentally, they're trying to better themselves and those around them. The cast are all fabulous in their own right - Anna Gunn as Skylar, Dean Norris as Hank, Betsy Brandt as Marie and RJ Mitte as Walt Jr. provide the incredibly engaging but dysfunctional family you can't help but love yet pity. 

Set in the bleak and roasting cactus-laden desert of Albuquerque, New Mexico all kinds of rather outrageous situations present themselves the deeper Walt and Jesse get into the criminal underworld with Cranston's alias, Heisenberg, taking over the man once given only months to live after being diagnosed with lung cancer; the catalyst behind the entire cooking meth and becoming a suburban kingpin.

However, it wasn't Walt that single-handedly drove this story. In my eyes, the most intriguing character is Jesse. Here's a young weed-smoking drop-out who starts out with a stereotypically teenage eagerness to get rich or die tryin' but is forced to deal with loss, love, addiction and pain without the grounding of a family which Walt has, and often justifies his immoral behaviour by. Walt uses him time and time again, sometimes for Jesse's own good, but often to cover his own deceit and misgivings which is exhilarating to watch unfold. Cranston and Paul are magnificent. 

I mustn't forget the cast of foes and alliances though who also play a hugely pivotal part in their tale. His crooked lawyer, Saul Goodman. Cold-blooded killing duo, the Salamanca twins. "Cleaner" Mike Ehrmantraut. And arguably most influentially, Los Pollos Hermanos boss, Gustavo "Gus" Fring (to name but a few).

I need to wrap this up because to cover 5 seasons would be impossible unless I was a very sturdy anorak. For me, there was a moment in the penultimate episode, and I won't spoil it, but Walt is sat for one of the first times across the whole saga without the luxury of choice. He is out of lies. Completely at a loss with not one single foreseeable way out from the trail of destruction he has caused. And suddenly, an epiphany! Cue the raspy chords from that familiar guitar solo and as I did, you will literally leap in the air. I knew that the show had positively gripped me. 

Breaking Bad is one of the cleverest, coolest and most exciting TV shows I have ever seen, and I implore you if you're one of those 'yeah, I want to watch it but just haven't had time' people, to get yourself the box set, a Netflix account,...a life, and just watch the first couple of episodes because you my friend, will never, ever regret it. 

Breaking Bad Seasons 1-5 receives 5/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because it's Breaking Bad.

    

Standing Still With A Tea Strainer Can Pay Your Mortgage.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009. Barack Obama is inaugurated in front of the planet, and forgets how to use words properly. Classic BO. I work with many American folk and they each have very mixed and viciously strong feelings regarding each and every presidential candidate, present day or otherwise (honestly, a child once told me about their frustration surrounding the Monroe birthday song saga), which more often than not is based on a person's education, social class and whether they own a gun and wear dungarees to parties or not. But, the history of the nation's Commander in Chief has always interested me as well, particularly in the wake of great books, movies and documentaries based on the country's brief but colourful history.

Last night, it was the turn of Lee Daniel's The Butler to dedicate my eyes to for 2hrs and I had my reservations. Almost every movie I've seen in recent times involving an ensemble cast of renown stars totally, utterly, and unequivocally sucks Chihuahua nuts. Mars Attacks, Be Cool, Oceans 12. Little bit 13. When I saw the patriotic trailer and star spangled banner-laced movie posters scattered around town, I didn't allow myself to become too interested for that reason. Curiosity got the better of me though. So, I did it for Bush :)

The story is loosely based on the life of Eugene Allen; a Butler who served under 7 different Presidents during his time at the White House, with original central character Cecil Gaines played by Ghost Dog, Forest Whitaker. Opening with the horrendous nature of slavery and black oppression in America's early history; Cecil is a small boy who upon witnessing his father's demise, is offered the chance to learn the trade of "service" which it appears is very different to my time spent making balloon animals and cleaning up ice-cream sick during my small stint at TGI Fridays. Cecil rises through the ranks at government drinking holes until he is offered the chance to join the White House staff, under President Eisenhower played by the balding Robin Williams (hats off to the make-up team because as we all know, R.W is basically a human Sasquatch). 

Married to Oprah Winfrey's character, Gloria, and with sons David and Elijah (played solidly by David Oleyowo and Elijah Kelley); Cecil experiences 30yrs of social progression first-hand from an insider's perspective. Influential leaders come and go such as Martin Luther King and Malcolm X, endearing first lady's such as Jackie Kennedy and Nancy Reagan, not to mention his like-minded co-workers which happen to be Cuba Gooding Jr. (where's he been?) and Lenny Kravitz who without his nose ring and early noughties tinted sunglasses, is almost unrecognisable. I could list the contributors who played the roles of Reagan, Kennedy, Nixon, Lyndon B. Johnson but I've got a haircut scheduled so glance at these 2 posters please. Their cameos are mostly harmless. 

Whitaker portrays Gaines very well. He's calm and not one to lose his composure in almost any given situation. Although he's foreseen by some as merely a "butler", he's wise beyond his years having overcome his tumultuous childhood acknowledging that every day is a blessing. He's in the thick of it all when his son becomes a Black Panther, his youngest is killed in the Vietnam War and his wife totally warrants being busted on the programme, Cheaters. Forest conveys the emotive nature of these difficult situations, effortlessly. Winfrey is also very good as his lonely alcoholic cheating mess of a wife, turned supportive flair-rocking other half.

Ultimately, I enjoyed it. It was simple. The story is what it is, and unsurprisingly, we're left feeling that the US is founded on freedom hence they now have a black President, which is rather cringey, but sound. You are left feeling proud of a country which has risen from the ashes of its awfully prejudiced past. However, for me it didn't feel as heart-warming a historical drama as Forrest Gump which was a gorgeous film due to its toe-dipping of multiple eras and pop-ups of famous figures, outside of politics. It felt like Daniel's had been forced to lean on the fast forward x2 key and rush through pivotal moments we all wanted to see develop just a little too quickly, whereas other films in the same genre like JFK gave such gravitas to the assassination of Kennedy, you were utterly entranced. Director, Lee Daniel's, having worked on critically acclaimed pictures such as Precious, clearly has a lot of talent with actors eager to work with him and I'm looking forward to seeing more of his movies in future.

The Butler is a good film and has goose bumps aplenty, you'll gasp and become infuriated at the awful nature of racism in the 20th century and find it fun to watch a collection of historical figures brought back to life outside of Disney's Hall of Presidents in the Magic Kingdom (animatronics at its finest, trust). Oh, and Terence Howard's character will remind you how lucky we are to have such good dental care these days because that dead tooth in his grill is just awful.

Lee Daniel's The Butler receives 3/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because it proves that even President's can appreciate the necessity for a decent cup of tea.

 

Oldboy. Newcrap.

Foreign films are hit or miss with most people. Mainly because any effort beyond pressing play, shoving popcorn into your gob and keeping your eyes open to watch things move disinterests ignorant, lazy bastards. There are those that can't read either (which is appalling on your part) but subtitles often deter audiences because they may not feel as engaging. 

However, in 2003, Korean director Park Chan-wook brought about a film which for us westerners needed words at the bottom of it, and that very movie has grown to become one of the greatest mystery/thriller's in modern film-making. Oldboy was brilliant. Vivid, gritty, action-packed and sickening; the concept was ingenious. A man is kidnapped and incarcerated in a hotel room for 15yrs without any clue as to who his captor is or why he's being held prisoner. Then, suddenly, he awakes in a rather large toy chest on a rooftop dressed in a brand new suit with a cell phone and a wad of cash on him. Roll a bloody awesome twist-laden journey of incest and Kung fu learnt off of Bruce Lee films. Epic scenes involving 100-man brawls, wolfing down Live squid and removing your own tongue have since entered cinema's Hall of Fame. 

And, why have I begun with the older...Oldboy? Because we mustn't forget what an absolute triumph it was. I can only imagine that director, Spike Lee (Malcolm X, Inside Man), and Hollywood may have thought, "hey, let's remake this famous crazy Asian film man because like, people don't wanna read the bottom of the screen and shit, and it's got fighting and sex in it, so let's just do it, yeah?...". With this, I became nervous. Why try and re-create the original when it was so good?

Well, I finally got around to watching this last night and it was almost a carbon copy of the original, but with a few stars chucked in and a bit of a mess, as I thought it would be. Josh Brolin plays Joe Doucett; the ultimate cliche. A down and out ad guy, divorced with a drinking problem and a tendency to masturbate into pillow cases (which is a new one?) who experiences the same ill-fate as Oh Dae-su from it's predecessor. Confined for 20yrs this time, he's framed for the murder of his ex-wife; mother to his daughter, Mia, who he wasn't interested in until he was forced to watch her play the cello on the telly like 9 times. 


When he eventually awakens in a trunk in the middle of a field, he's hell-bent on saving his daughter who will be killed unless he can uncover the identity of his kidnapper and figure out why he was taken in the first place. He meets a young medical volunteer, Marie, played by Elisabeth Olsen (erm, younger sister of the Olsen twins) who learns of his troubles and joins him in his quest for answers. 

What can I say about her? She's a girl. That is literally all I can remember. Please Adam; elaborate you say?...okay, erm, quite a nice back? Her performance doesn't exactly breath take, and compared to the beautifully tormented Kang Hye-jung from '03, she's proper flakey. Don't even get me started on the the elusive antagonist, played by Sharlto Copley who was absolutely outstanding as van de Merwe in District 9, as he fails so miserably as the unconvincing millionaire with daddy issues who has about 7 different accents by the 2nd Act.

Brolin however has clearly worked hard on his physical appearance for the movie, particularly as Lee shot it in a very small time frame, as he goes about transforming from fatty to beefcake in impressive fashion. Ah, the wonders of having a Beverly Hills dietitian. He's decent, looks menacing but I just don't think he was given that good a script to work with. Replacing the 'squid bit' with a montage of him devouring a whole bunch of boiled won tons to find a lead is like peeling potatoes besides a Benedictine monk. Boring.

Even Samuel L. Jackson has been brought into the mix to plays the hotel warden/gangster man guy to probably give the movie a smidgen of pizazz and an extra credit on the film poster to draw an audience. His character also gets the best deal ever by earning a fuck ton of diamonds for doing absolutely nothing. And surprisingly for a bad guy, never gets his comeuppance. This role could have been played by a iguana and received a much lesser pay check.

I have no problem at all focusing my review on the comparison between new Oldboy and the original, because that's what everybody will do. It falls short in almost every department. It feels rushed, characters aren't particularly engaging and Samuel L. Jackson's Mohawk is just ludicrous. If you haven't seen the 2003 movie, then you might actually quite enjoy this version because the story does captivate and as far as action movies go; it ticks most boxes. In my opinion though, forget this westernised stab at telling a fantastically gruesome story and get some reading glasses. Trust me.

Oldboy (2013) receives 1/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because Koreans are like, way better at conveying the complexities of foreign cuisine.

TITANFALL: Transformers Fitter Cousin.

I thought I'd sneak in a game review today as it's consumed most of my available time this week. Y'see, most First Person Shooters tend to provide virtual counselling for pre-pubescent teenagers, who can agitatedly sit and vent every expletive and derogatory slur they’ve learned from the Jeremy Kyle show, at a total stranger. And, for the most part, this is liberating for them. But, when online gamers heard news there was a brand new FPS which involved “like, bare transformers...”, they rushed out and pinched the cheapest litre of cider they could find to celebrate, before spying on their fit next door neighbour. 

TITANFALL is its name, and gosh, it’s pretty damn excellent…for everyone! Created by new indie developer, Respawn Entertainment; you play as “pilot” (original) who has the ability to use jet-packs, run horizontally across walls, use cloaking devices, oh, and summon giant metallic Titans from space which rocket down to earth which you can climb inside and tear up battle zones, Godzilla -style!! Yes, and it’s very cool. 

“Titans” are brilliant fun with huge cannons, and shields which can absorb bullets and hurl them right back at the opposition. You’ve up to 12 human players to abuse within each map zone, and a great variety of mission modes to keep matches feeling fresh. These vary from Capture the Flag to Last Titan Standing, which will be great for novices who never really leaped on the COD or Battlefield bandwagon as it denies the Pros the chance to perfect their game so quickly. However, if your copies been delayed in the post, unlucky. 4days in and everyone's amazing at it now so you may as well get back to Tinder-time.

And it's not surprising it's stormed the pre-order charts. This is a billion dollar market saturated by two big swines a la BeBop and Rocksteady, and TITANFALL brings new hope to the more casual gamer. It offers exciting opportunity to experiment as your level develops with each game, unlocking different customisation options for both pilot and Titan load outs, with each featuring distinct characteristics to enhance your performance. You can also collect "burn cards" which increase certain stats, such as boosting shield duration, damage caused and running speeds throughout the beautifully designed landscapes, which look incredible courtesy of Next Gen graphics. 

It’s the minor additions to TITANFALL which really add to the experience though. Sorry, there aren’t any Megatron boss battles in which Shia Leboeuf hopefully gets obliterated. But, that’s because there isn’t a calamitous campaign mode which tries to cram some form of coherent story into a mere 4hrs of game time. TITANFALL simply focuses on what everybody cares about most; online. There are even great moments such as the “retreat” element upon defeat where you'll have to rush back to your rescue ship or hunt down yellow bellies against the clock, to earn a few essential points.

It’s the little touches which separate TITANFALL from its peers and make it the most sought after Xbox exclusive for quite some time. Oh, and the Titans. Definitely those big shiny robots too. 


TITANFALL receives 4/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because its cut my FPS rage-quitting down by at least 7% which is great for the flat below mine.

  

4 Halfwit Somalians Outsmart Entire US NAVY

I was a bit of an arrogant dip shit as a teen (yep, this guy) who thought he was untouchable. I'd swan around with a swagger about me which was utterly unwarranted and if I passed myself in the street today, would probably slap me and call the fashion police. Kappa tracksuit bottoms were never "in" as much as I still tell everyone otherwise. 

But, when I finally got around to watching Captain Phillips last night, it reminded me of an incident which was pretty darn scary growing up. I was ambushed by a gang of teenage thugs whilst on my way home who tried to work me for 50p (or really, nab my Nokia 5110) and that fear I experienced being threatened, unaware of the lengths they would go to to get it.

Based on a true story, Tom Hanks plays the titular role captaining a container ship through the Gulf of Aden - dangerous high seas notoriously rife with Somalian pirate factions. When 4 determined African assailants led by leader, Barkhad Abdi, board the ship they attempt to seize control and leave with more than just the $30,000 they came for...

From the off, you can tell that this is clearly the sublime work of Paul Greengrass due the infectious fast-paced, up close and personal camera work he's become synonymous with in the wake of the Bourne trilogy. Hanks is incredibly believable as the steadfast Captain putting his crew's safety before his own, and although a irritating stickler for routine, is respected by all, and rightly so. Watching last night, it was when this composure began to whittle away that those original memories of mine resurfaced. Watching the pirates seize control of the bridge armed with machine-guns was absolutely terrifying.

"Look at me! Now, give me what I want..." is at the heart of Abdi and Co's threats, and I immediately felt uneasy. They had that fearlessness in their eyes. Like I was right back at school and that attention deficit ginger kid with 'loose cannon' probably buried somewhere beneath his freckles, was on the prowl to cause mischief. 

Barkhad Abdi, Faysal Ahmed, Mahat M. Ali and Barkhad Abdirahman play the ruthless foursome who eventually take Hanks hostage aboard a mini-sub and are inevitably chased by the entire US NAVY as they travel at 7mph towards the coast of Somalia. When a SEAL team is deployed to stop them at all costs, you know that this will probably end badly for them because America is like the strongest place, ever. It really hits home how many young African actors there are now who consistently perform amazingly well. The quartet convey the anarchic and ruthless nature of piracy utterly convincingly.

Scenes aboard the mini-sub were spell-binding with the pirates losing their cool, becoming dehydrated, injured and understandably erratic. These were great and highly unpredictable, offering a unique insight into the life of teen soldiers as they slowly began to step out from behind their M16's when a decision involved thinking beyond the next 5 minutes.    

On the other hand, it did seem rather unimaginable that the entire US Naval fleet would handle a terrorist situation so phenomenally badly though. In a high-octane moment when Hanks eludes the captors by jumping into the ocean, we see the the bad ass SEAL team just lying about watching haplessly through binoculars chewing on gum balls.

For me, Captain Phillips did unfortunately fall prey to the spoiler filled world of social media though as everyone, literally every person there is, kept telling me how "the last 5 minutes is just AMAZING..." and that "Tom Hanks is so good at the end, mate..." which as you can imagine, set some incredibly high expectations. And was that bit good? Yeah, he was excellent. But was it life-changing? Nah, not really. But, don't get me wrong, I  thought there were some scenes in which Hanks was even stronger and the adaptation of "A Captain's Duty: Somali Pirates" alone, was excellent.

Oh and before I forget, want to know what happened when one of the thugs put their hands in my pocket to take my wallet? He got a hand full of melted chocolate from an old eclair that had gotten all sweaty. Served the prick right.

Captain Phillips receives 3/5 Macho Man Randy Savages.

 

The OSCARS 2014: Americanz Hustle

Every Spring brings the story of Jesus Christ's rebirth, a clearer picture of who will probably win the Premier League and THE awards ceremony which empowers famous yanks to throw their winning accolades around like a dog by the ears to warrant bigger pay-checks; the OSCARS. Filmed each year from that big homeless playground, Hollywood Boulevard, 2014's big night was no different.

Fans and correspondents went expectedly bonkers for the outfits, their favourite stars and the prospect of Jennifer Lawrence falling arse over tit again (which she nailed) but most of all, the mystery behind this year's winning nominations. It's been years since it was so tight with such a strong selection of brilliant films gracing our screens these last 12 months. Best Picture alone was a tougher call than Flash Gordon had when trying to comfortably pet the Wooded Beast of Arboria.

"12 Years A Slave" triumphed throughout the night winning the all-important Best Picture award, as well as Lupita Nyong’o taking home Best Supporting Actress and John Ridley (of "Undercover Brother" fame) winning for Best Adapted Screenplay. Kudos must also go where it's due to Steve McQueen who flew the flag spectacularly high for British filmmakers in 2013.

"Gravity" did equally as well particularly in post, winning Best Cinematography, Visual Effects, Sound and Film Editing, Score and most significantly, Best Director for Alfonso Cuaron. Go Mexico. 

"Cate Blanchett" who has gripped every role like a passive aggressive lover ever since botch job, "Irina Spalko" in Indiana Jones and the Ludicrously Long Title, deservedly won Best Actress. But the stand out stars of the show last night were the two carefree Lothario's no respected film critic ever saw coming; "Jared Leto" as Best Supporting Actor and "Matthew McConaughey" as Best Actor, for their brilliant performances in Dallas Buyers Club. With the obvious physical transformations they took to play their roles, their ability to say lines and make faces shone equally as brightly with the Academy. 

We mustn't forget the great movies which were inevitably caught short too though. "Captain Phillips" was a captivating tale of Somalian Piracy and "The Wolf of Wall Street" with its laddish tone and A-List ensemble, not to mention that infamous Di Caprio Quaalude scene which was a moment of comedic genius nobody ever saw coming from Arnie Grape. 

"Her" rightly nabbed Best Original Screenplay by Spike Jonze of Being John Malkovich fame, but "Philomena" and "American Hustle" were simply surpassed by too strong an opposition in their categories. 

The latter was nominated a bugger load and having seen the star studded con-caper myself, I'm not that surprised. It ticks all the right boxes; set in the fashionable late 70s with a fun mafioso storyline and an electric rivalry between Bale and Cooper who had the most delicious jerry curl, but I didn't feel it was much more than a crowd pleaser. Better films in similar vain such as Catch Me If You Can and Snatch never came close to the same amount of hysteria. 

What were the most memorable bits of the night though? Probably some of the ridiculous bits in between. That infamous "selfie" which was an awkward attempt by Ellen DeGeneres at squeezing in as many must-have celebrity guests for her chat shows coming season, the hilarious memes that circulated about stars who missed out on gold and people falling over which, well, yeah that'll always be funny. But I think it stands to say that without someone sobbing like a right melt or a host who can generate a giggle without the help of her celebrity mates; The Oscars 2014 was a bit of a fart in the wind.

The Oscars: 86th Academy Awards gets 2/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because they've been way less dull.

"Full Blown AIDS" gets Cowboy.

So, last night I finally made the time to go see Dallas Buyers Club starring every body's favourite nonchalant Texan who apparently doesn't wear antiperspirant according to his Auntie who I met once, Matthew McConaughey. Directed by Jean-Marc Vallee; it's the story of Ron Woodroof; a horny rodeo halfwit hick who contracts HIV through heterosexual sex with a drug addict unaware of the risks during the mid-80s. Given only 30 short days to live, he takes matters into his own hands sourcing unapproved medication to survive.

Dismissed by his homophobic community and with a diet consisting of cheap whiskey and a fuck load of ropey coke, he quickly ends up in the emergency room where he befriends unlikely transvestite side-kick, Rayon, played beautifully by Jared Leto. With the prospect of wonder-drug "AZT" helping to cure his full blown aids (as its later referred to by his African American middle-aged secretary) he tries every trick in the book to register in the trial before he's forced to turn to America's favourite dodgy next door neighbour, Mexico, to find an alternative. Untested foreign meds and proteins help revitalise him and Ron sets out on a journey to overcome the simple-minded fat cats at the FDA and become unapproved med supplier to anyone who shares his equally ill fate. With the concerned care of Dr. Eve played by Jennifer Garner and business partner, Rayon, Dallas Buyers Club is a story of acceptance, belief, and above all, survival.

What strikes you from the offset is the physical change McConaughey has gone through to portray an incredibly sick guy. We're used to seeing him play the All-American cowboy with the muscle width to suffocate a teenage hippo but it was when I saw his cameo in The Wolf of Wall Street recently that I first noticed his pretty amazing transformation. His performance is outstanding and inevitably, people will compare the movie to the likes of Philadelphia which tackles the same terminal disease and the attitudes towards it. 
But, where Denzel fought with his own personal demons to overcome homophobia, McConaughey is himself suffering from the virus and dealing with his prejudices first-hand. Rayon is his sassy associate and like that spitty tar dinosaur in Jurassic Park, will get his back up if the cowboy's  derogatory nature begins to surface. With both actors performing outstandingly well, it's both funny and very moving watching the bond between the two characters blossom. 

Garner is surprisingly good as the straight-arrowed doctor turned BFF who breaks free from the shackles of her cold-hearted boss Dr. Sevard to become Woodruff's unicorn. The performances throughout the movie are brilliant all round, particularly Leto who having toured the world wearing finger paint and jamming for 6yrs, has taken to the stage in his comeback gig as if he'd never been away. This just goes to show that all those teenage girl's knickers have made him a better man and an even more engaging actor.

Dallas Buyers Club really impressed me and the countless BAFTA and Oscar noms are unequivocally justified for what is (I hate spelling his bloody surname) McConaughey's greatest performance to date. It goes to show that you don't necessarily need your big budgets and your overly ridiculous set designs, just a solid cast and a director who wants to tell the story of an extraordinary person...that just liked sex way too much.

Dallas Buyers Club receives 4/5 Macho Man Randy Savages.