Oldboy. Newcrap.

Foreign films are hit or miss with most people. Mainly because any effort beyond pressing play, shoving popcorn into your gob and keeping your eyes open to watch things move disinterests ignorant, lazy bastards. There are those that can't read either (which is appalling on your part) but subtitles often deter audiences because they may not feel as engaging. 

However, in 2003, Korean director Park Chan-wook brought about a film which for us westerners needed words at the bottom of it, and that very movie has grown to become one of the greatest mystery/thriller's in modern film-making. Oldboy was brilliant. Vivid, gritty, action-packed and sickening; the concept was ingenious. A man is kidnapped and incarcerated in a hotel room for 15yrs without any clue as to who his captor is or why he's being held prisoner. Then, suddenly, he awakes in a rather large toy chest on a rooftop dressed in a brand new suit with a cell phone and a wad of cash on him. Roll a bloody awesome twist-laden journey of incest and Kung fu learnt off of Bruce Lee films. Epic scenes involving 100-man brawls, wolfing down Live squid and removing your own tongue have since entered cinema's Hall of Fame. 

And, why have I begun with the older...Oldboy? Because we mustn't forget what an absolute triumph it was. I can only imagine that director, Spike Lee (Malcolm X, Inside Man), and Hollywood may have thought, "hey, let's remake this famous crazy Asian film man because like, people don't wanna read the bottom of the screen and shit, and it's got fighting and sex in it, so let's just do it, yeah?...". With this, I became nervous. Why try and re-create the original when it was so good?

Well, I finally got around to watching this last night and it was almost a carbon copy of the original, but with a few stars chucked in and a bit of a mess, as I thought it would be. Josh Brolin plays Joe Doucett; the ultimate cliche. A down and out ad guy, divorced with a drinking problem and a tendency to masturbate into pillow cases (which is a new one?) who experiences the same ill-fate as Oh Dae-su from it's predecessor. Confined for 20yrs this time, he's framed for the murder of his ex-wife; mother to his daughter, Mia, who he wasn't interested in until he was forced to watch her play the cello on the telly like 9 times. 


When he eventually awakens in a trunk in the middle of a field, he's hell-bent on saving his daughter who will be killed unless he can uncover the identity of his kidnapper and figure out why he was taken in the first place. He meets a young medical volunteer, Marie, played by Elisabeth Olsen (erm, younger sister of the Olsen twins) who learns of his troubles and joins him in his quest for answers. 

What can I say about her? She's a girl. That is literally all I can remember. Please Adam; elaborate you say?...okay, erm, quite a nice back? Her performance doesn't exactly breath take, and compared to the beautifully tormented Kang Hye-jung from '03, she's proper flakey. Don't even get me started on the the elusive antagonist, played by Sharlto Copley who was absolutely outstanding as van de Merwe in District 9, as he fails so miserably as the unconvincing millionaire with daddy issues who has about 7 different accents by the 2nd Act.

Brolin however has clearly worked hard on his physical appearance for the movie, particularly as Lee shot it in a very small time frame, as he goes about transforming from fatty to beefcake in impressive fashion. Ah, the wonders of having a Beverly Hills dietitian. He's decent, looks menacing but I just don't think he was given that good a script to work with. Replacing the 'squid bit' with a montage of him devouring a whole bunch of boiled won tons to find a lead is like peeling potatoes besides a Benedictine monk. Boring.

Even Samuel L. Jackson has been brought into the mix to plays the hotel warden/gangster man guy to probably give the movie a smidgen of pizazz and an extra credit on the film poster to draw an audience. His character also gets the best deal ever by earning a fuck ton of diamonds for doing absolutely nothing. And surprisingly for a bad guy, never gets his comeuppance. This role could have been played by a iguana and received a much lesser pay check.

I have no problem at all focusing my review on the comparison between new Oldboy and the original, because that's what everybody will do. It falls short in almost every department. It feels rushed, characters aren't particularly engaging and Samuel L. Jackson's Mohawk is just ludicrous. If you haven't seen the 2003 movie, then you might actually quite enjoy this version because the story does captivate and as far as action movies go; it ticks most boxes. In my opinion though, forget this westernised stab at telling a fantastically gruesome story and get some reading glasses. Trust me.

Oldboy (2013) receives 1/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because Koreans are like, way better at conveying the complexities of foreign cuisine.

TITANFALL: Transformers Fitter Cousin.

I thought I'd sneak in a game review today as it's consumed most of my available time this week. Y'see, most First Person Shooters tend to provide virtual counselling for pre-pubescent teenagers, who can agitatedly sit and vent every expletive and derogatory slur they’ve learned from the Jeremy Kyle show, at a total stranger. And, for the most part, this is liberating for them. But, when online gamers heard news there was a brand new FPS which involved “like, bare transformers...”, they rushed out and pinched the cheapest litre of cider they could find to celebrate, before spying on their fit next door neighbour. 

TITANFALL is its name, and gosh, it’s pretty damn excellent…for everyone! Created by new indie developer, Respawn Entertainment; you play as “pilot” (original) who has the ability to use jet-packs, run horizontally across walls, use cloaking devices, oh, and summon giant metallic Titans from space which rocket down to earth which you can climb inside and tear up battle zones, Godzilla -style!! Yes, and it’s very cool. 

“Titans” are brilliant fun with huge cannons, and shields which can absorb bullets and hurl them right back at the opposition. You’ve up to 12 human players to abuse within each map zone, and a great variety of mission modes to keep matches feeling fresh. These vary from Capture the Flag to Last Titan Standing, which will be great for novices who never really leaped on the COD or Battlefield bandwagon as it denies the Pros the chance to perfect their game so quickly. However, if your copies been delayed in the post, unlucky. 4days in and everyone's amazing at it now so you may as well get back to Tinder-time.

And it's not surprising it's stormed the pre-order charts. This is a billion dollar market saturated by two big swines a la BeBop and Rocksteady, and TITANFALL brings new hope to the more casual gamer. It offers exciting opportunity to experiment as your level develops with each game, unlocking different customisation options for both pilot and Titan load outs, with each featuring distinct characteristics to enhance your performance. You can also collect "burn cards" which increase certain stats, such as boosting shield duration, damage caused and running speeds throughout the beautifully designed landscapes, which look incredible courtesy of Next Gen graphics. 

It’s the minor additions to TITANFALL which really add to the experience though. Sorry, there aren’t any Megatron boss battles in which Shia Leboeuf hopefully gets obliterated. But, that’s because there isn’t a calamitous campaign mode which tries to cram some form of coherent story into a mere 4hrs of game time. TITANFALL simply focuses on what everybody cares about most; online. There are even great moments such as the “retreat” element upon defeat where you'll have to rush back to your rescue ship or hunt down yellow bellies against the clock, to earn a few essential points.

It’s the little touches which separate TITANFALL from its peers and make it the most sought after Xbox exclusive for quite some time. Oh, and the Titans. Definitely those big shiny robots too. 


TITANFALL receives 4/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because its cut my FPS rage-quitting down by at least 7% which is great for the flat below mine.

  

4 Halfwit Somalians Outsmart Entire US NAVY

I was a bit of an arrogant dip shit as a teen (yep, this guy) who thought he was untouchable. I'd swan around with a swagger about me which was utterly unwarranted and if I passed myself in the street today, would probably slap me and call the fashion police. Kappa tracksuit bottoms were never "in" as much as I still tell everyone otherwise. 

But, when I finally got around to watching Captain Phillips last night, it reminded me of an incident which was pretty darn scary growing up. I was ambushed by a gang of teenage thugs whilst on my way home who tried to work me for 50p (or really, nab my Nokia 5110) and that fear I experienced being threatened, unaware of the lengths they would go to to get it.

Based on a true story, Tom Hanks plays the titular role captaining a container ship through the Gulf of Aden - dangerous high seas notoriously rife with Somalian pirate factions. When 4 determined African assailants led by leader, Barkhad Abdi, board the ship they attempt to seize control and leave with more than just the $30,000 they came for...

From the off, you can tell that this is clearly the sublime work of Paul Greengrass due the infectious fast-paced, up close and personal camera work he's become synonymous with in the wake of the Bourne trilogy. Hanks is incredibly believable as the steadfast Captain putting his crew's safety before his own, and although a irritating stickler for routine, is respected by all, and rightly so. Watching last night, it was when this composure began to whittle away that those original memories of mine resurfaced. Watching the pirates seize control of the bridge armed with machine-guns was absolutely terrifying.

"Look at me! Now, give me what I want..." is at the heart of Abdi and Co's threats, and I immediately felt uneasy. They had that fearlessness in their eyes. Like I was right back at school and that attention deficit ginger kid with 'loose cannon' probably buried somewhere beneath his freckles, was on the prowl to cause mischief. 

Barkhad Abdi, Faysal Ahmed, Mahat M. Ali and Barkhad Abdirahman play the ruthless foursome who eventually take Hanks hostage aboard a mini-sub and are inevitably chased by the entire US NAVY as they travel at 7mph towards the coast of Somalia. When a SEAL team is deployed to stop them at all costs, you know that this will probably end badly for them because America is like the strongest place, ever. It really hits home how many young African actors there are now who consistently perform amazingly well. The quartet convey the anarchic and ruthless nature of piracy utterly convincingly.

Scenes aboard the mini-sub were spell-binding with the pirates losing their cool, becoming dehydrated, injured and understandably erratic. These were great and highly unpredictable, offering a unique insight into the life of teen soldiers as they slowly began to step out from behind their M16's when a decision involved thinking beyond the next 5 minutes.    

On the other hand, it did seem rather unimaginable that the entire US Naval fleet would handle a terrorist situation so phenomenally badly though. In a high-octane moment when Hanks eludes the captors by jumping into the ocean, we see the the bad ass SEAL team just lying about watching haplessly through binoculars chewing on gum balls.

For me, Captain Phillips did unfortunately fall prey to the spoiler filled world of social media though as everyone, literally every person there is, kept telling me how "the last 5 minutes is just AMAZING..." and that "Tom Hanks is so good at the end, mate..." which as you can imagine, set some incredibly high expectations. And was that bit good? Yeah, he was excellent. But was it life-changing? Nah, not really. But, don't get me wrong, I  thought there were some scenes in which Hanks was even stronger and the adaptation of "A Captain's Duty: Somali Pirates" alone, was excellent.

Oh and before I forget, want to know what happened when one of the thugs put their hands in my pocket to take my wallet? He got a hand full of melted chocolate from an old eclair that had gotten all sweaty. Served the prick right.

Captain Phillips receives 3/5 Macho Man Randy Savages.

 

The OSCARS 2014: Americanz Hustle

Every Spring brings the story of Jesus Christ's rebirth, a clearer picture of who will probably win the Premier League and THE awards ceremony which empowers famous yanks to throw their winning accolades around like a dog by the ears to warrant bigger pay-checks; the OSCARS. Filmed each year from that big homeless playground, Hollywood Boulevard, 2014's big night was no different.

Fans and correspondents went expectedly bonkers for the outfits, their favourite stars and the prospect of Jennifer Lawrence falling arse over tit again (which she nailed) but most of all, the mystery behind this year's winning nominations. It's been years since it was so tight with such a strong selection of brilliant films gracing our screens these last 12 months. Best Picture alone was a tougher call than Flash Gordon had when trying to comfortably pet the Wooded Beast of Arboria.

"12 Years A Slave" triumphed throughout the night winning the all-important Best Picture award, as well as Lupita Nyong’o taking home Best Supporting Actress and John Ridley (of "Undercover Brother" fame) winning for Best Adapted Screenplay. Kudos must also go where it's due to Steve McQueen who flew the flag spectacularly high for British filmmakers in 2013.

"Gravity" did equally as well particularly in post, winning Best Cinematography, Visual Effects, Sound and Film Editing, Score and most significantly, Best Director for Alfonso Cuaron. Go Mexico. 

"Cate Blanchett" who has gripped every role like a passive aggressive lover ever since botch job, "Irina Spalko" in Indiana Jones and the Ludicrously Long Title, deservedly won Best Actress. But the stand out stars of the show last night were the two carefree Lothario's no respected film critic ever saw coming; "Jared Leto" as Best Supporting Actor and "Matthew McConaughey" as Best Actor, for their brilliant performances in Dallas Buyers Club. With the obvious physical transformations they took to play their roles, their ability to say lines and make faces shone equally as brightly with the Academy. 

We mustn't forget the great movies which were inevitably caught short too though. "Captain Phillips" was a captivating tale of Somalian Piracy and "The Wolf of Wall Street" with its laddish tone and A-List ensemble, not to mention that infamous Di Caprio Quaalude scene which was a moment of comedic genius nobody ever saw coming from Arnie Grape. 

"Her" rightly nabbed Best Original Screenplay by Spike Jonze of Being John Malkovich fame, but "Philomena" and "American Hustle" were simply surpassed by too strong an opposition in their categories. 

The latter was nominated a bugger load and having seen the star studded con-caper myself, I'm not that surprised. It ticks all the right boxes; set in the fashionable late 70s with a fun mafioso storyline and an electric rivalry between Bale and Cooper who had the most delicious jerry curl, but I didn't feel it was much more than a crowd pleaser. Better films in similar vain such as Catch Me If You Can and Snatch never came close to the same amount of hysteria. 

What were the most memorable bits of the night though? Probably some of the ridiculous bits in between. That infamous "selfie" which was an awkward attempt by Ellen DeGeneres at squeezing in as many must-have celebrity guests for her chat shows coming season, the hilarious memes that circulated about stars who missed out on gold and people falling over which, well, yeah that'll always be funny. But I think it stands to say that without someone sobbing like a right melt or a host who can generate a giggle without the help of her celebrity mates; The Oscars 2014 was a bit of a fart in the wind.

The Oscars: 86th Academy Awards gets 2/5 Macho Man Randy Savages because they've been way less dull.